I decided to join in Bindu's challange to spend the next 21 days writing 800 words a day (#215800) and doing some yoga everyday (Join me if you like!).
Today I worked on an idea I have to help people kick-start their creativity, then I wrote this short piece:
What defines me?
I guess most of us have some big things that happened in our lives that go towards defining us. One of the things that has shaped me most as a person is the death of my mother when I was 19. Like most teenagers I had a complex relationship with my mother, we were often arguing and I frequently said things to her that in hindsight must have been hurtful.
She was a complicated woman who found it hard to demonstrate affection or talk about emotional matters. So many things were left unsaid when she passed away. Even now, 20 years after she died there are moments when my grief is still raw, she never met my partner or children, she never saw me graduate or achieve any of my significant adult milestones.
When she was ill I waited for her to start talking about things, open up like in the movies, but she never did. This made me very angry, she was so stubbornly in denial and denying me any closure (I hate that word but there you have it). She wasn't how I thought a mother should be.
How has this shaped me? I tell my children and partner I love them everyday. I try to name things for what they are. I try to forgive her and see her as a woman doing her best just like I am. I try and be the best I can be for her and for me.
My mother is a poem
I'll never be able to write,
though everything I write
is a poem to my mother.
~Sharon Doubiago
Did you have a complicated relationship with your mother?
I'm off to do some yoga...
jan
Hi Helen,
Thank you for posting this. My mother died too when I was small and I have never seen that poem before, it sums up what I have come to feel about my life just lately. Previous to this I only felt the first two lines as she was so unknown to me and nothing much made sense!
That pain you feel about her not opening up before she died, and all the mother - daughter trauma that an awful lot of women go through with their mothers, that feels like such an enormous unresolved grief to carry around! It sounds like you have found a really positive way to deal with that most days! Sending love to you. x
Helen
Thank you Jan! Good luck with your Trek in China, sounds amazing!
Helen R
Wow Helen, that makes me teary. Watching for Smoke makes a bit more sense to me now - I didn't understand before the nature of the complicated relationship with your mother. Relationships with mothers are probably always complicated, and a lot goes unsaid, or not said for far too long, with mine. But I've been really appreciating my parents for who they are, and how they stand by me in any kind of crisis or book launch.
Helen
Yay for cool parents! my Dad totally rocks, I'm grateful for that.
A Ponder
mothers are complicated things.
Always. More so during trying times. I remember you were so brave, not all gung-ho, but in a good way. I see that hasn't changed.
Helen
Damn Alicia, you just made me cry :) xx
sophie
My Mum died when I was 18 and, like yours, she just wasn't going to die. What is it with these tough Kiwi women? Her death and the complete dissolution of my family afterwards still has unhappy repercussions for me, close to 18 years later. And thinking that she won't see me get my PhD or get married (if I ever do) is something not to ponder on such a beautiful day.
Helen
So true Sophie, kia kaha xx
Thursday
I certainly had a difficult relationship with my mother during my early 20's but it evened out as I got older and we were very close until she unexpectedly died four years ago during a period when I was very unhappy. I'm really sorry she didn't get to see how much happier life has turned out and hugely regretful I didn't spend more time with her, a regret I believe most people are left with and can, at times, be stomach-punchingly awful.
Helen
Thanks Thursday, that's hard.
Marianne
Do we all have complicated relationships with our mothers?
I wish I were in Paekak so we could do our yoga together for these 21 days.
With you in spirit.
Helen
I wish you were here too! xx
Sarah Jane Barnett
Hey Helen. Good on you for doing the challenge, the combo of yoga and writing at the same time will be an amazing experience. I am sorry to read about your mother. I had a similar (although less traumatic) experience with a family member who didn't die but revealed a significant secret after a long period of time. I thought that our complicated relationship would also "open up" once the secret was out but we both remained the people we were beforehand. Are you going to write about your mother? Good luck with the 800 words a day! Sarah
Helen
Thanks Sarah, yes isn't it funny how we have expectations of a hollywood ending, well, funny/sad. Blimmin heck, I spent most of last year writing about my mother - hopefully it will get published one day and you can have a read!
Tor
Oh goodness Helen, that's a very moving post. I'm incredibly grateful to have a good relationship with my mother; it's the zero relationship with my father that eats away at me and has defined me throughout my 20s. The subject of my 21 days of writing. Hope your yoga soothed you. Xx
Helen
Thanks Tor, it did :)