When I look around my house I see a lot of “stuff”. Some of it belongs to me, some to my partner, some to our two kids. We seem to attract it like powerful magnets.
We have a generously sized house and we find it hard to say no. Many items have been given to us by friends, some are on long term loan from friends overseas. Some of the stuff we inherited from family members that have died. Most of it has a story behind it, the story gets me every time – how can you get rid of a narrative? Isn't history important?
For example, I have shelves and shelves of books. They've been collected over my 36 years of reading, 20 of those years have been in the book trade. Some I bought new, some were books I edited or promoted, some I found second hand like treasure, some belonged to my parents or grandparents, some were given to me by friends - “You have to read this!”. Obviously there is usually a narrative within the pages too.
My father likes to give me books, he also hoards books but by passing them onto me they are not quite gone, just in an extended library. So he never really has to let them go completely. Some of the books he gives me I love. Some I'll probably never read but how can I get rid of them? They're precious things, also precious to someone who is precious to me. At the same time they are a heavy weight .
I also have boxes in my basement that have some of my deceased Great Aunt's belongings, not expensive or important things but crazy vintage packaging and little everyday but personal items. I can't bring myself to get rid of them, they are social history, her history. I have an outfit she wore to my parents' wedding. I wont ever wear it, it doesn't even fit me but there it is in the photo and on the hanger, like a time machine in bright teal.
She herself used to hoard things, she came of age during the depression. Nothing got thrown out, it was either mended or used until it disintergrated. All sorts of things might come in handy, little bits of string, glass jars, old Christmas cards, you name it.
Of course if I lost all my stuff in a house fire it wouldn't be the end of the world, they are only things. The first things I would save from a fire would be my partner and children, naturally. So why do I hang on to stuff? The object isn't the memory is it?
When a person passes away all you have left of them are their belongings. I have an evening purse that belonged to my mother, inside is a tissue with her lipstick blotted onto it, in the shape of her lips. It's the closest I'll ever get to being kissed by her again. Yet it isn't her, all it does is assist in generating memories. The clothes I kept of hers used to smell of her, now 20 years on they've lost her scent, they're just a husk.
We fear losing things, we fear not having enough. Objects become more than objects, they become magical links to people, memories, safety, love. Yet these objects can also weigh us down and hold us back from the future. How can we let go of physical objects without letting go of the magic? Should we let go of these things? What's the harm in holding on? What do you think?
(Inspired by the lovely Bindu)
Comments
Are you me?
Are you me?
It seems to be a universal
It seems to be a universal issue!
We've just unpacked a
We've just unpacked a household that was in storage. Funny how taste and priority change. Funny how we need a physical item to keep a memory real.
Aha. It seems souvenirs keep
Aha. It seems souvenirs keep us happy.
"People who use mementos or photos to remind themselves of good times better appreciate their lives and are happier, says Sonja Lyubomirsky, PhD, a professor of psychology at University of California, Riverside. Good memories remind you of your “happiness potential” and promise that soon you can reach it again."
http://shine.yahoo.com/event/lifeslittlepleasures/9-signs-youre-happier-...
I feel better now that my junk is making me a happy person. Apart from when it infuriates me.
must be unhappy memories that
must be unhappy memories that make me so keen to get rid of things
Aah yes. Tell me about it. I
Aah yes. Tell me about it. I am packing all those "treasures" into boxes at the moment. I am locked in battle with Francis about letting things go. Nothing of any financial value. All stories, history, sentiment intermingled with dust that we seemed destined to keep for the foreseeable future. Will we still have that hand-painted elephant when we are 80? God I hope not.
I remember coming back from a long overseas trip, walking through the doors of my house and wandering around thinking "Who lives here - what is all this stuff?" I had completely lost my identification with it. Ornaments. What a weird concept. Completely unuseful stuff!
Granted - ornaments are comforting. And they give personality to the structures we live in. BUT HOW MUCH IS TOO MUCH!!!!?
Have you ever thought about
Have you ever thought about giving your aunt's items to a museum collection? Then you'd know they will be safe and you could also give them a photograph of the object being worn, which they'd love.
I agree that 'stuff' is a weight but also a sort of lightness because it connects you to the people you love. Personally I'm not a hoarder (but I am a mender!) but I couldn't quite say why. Gypsy blood? I always want to be able to make a quite get away? Frequent moving of house has also whittled down my belongings.
Should we let go of these things? Maybe it is striking a balance and each person's point of balance will be different. I tend to let go of popular fiction books that I can get from the library, clothes I don't wear (ever) and stuff I once used but now don't. I like to think of other people getting use out of something I would put in a box.
Sometimes I regret giving things away (one black, laced and fringed skirt comes to mind), but mostly they disappear from memory. It means I am able to create space in my life for other things that then inspire garage sale or op shop hunts and also inspire me to look at myself and my life as new. At the same time I have my diaries from when I was a teenager, my grandmother's earrings and my mother's copy of the complete works of Frost. So really, there is no answer :-)
I am almost completely
I am almost completely unsentimental about stuff and get rid of things easily. I am constantly skimming my small library thinking which books shall I part with because I will never open those covers again. My criteria for acquiring things is 'is this immediately useful?' My criteria for keeping things is 'am I thankful' for having this? and maybe I'm just not that grateful.
I was robbed several times when I was young and lost three record collections before I stopped buying music and have never regained the habit. Having my favourite clothes and things stolen taught me nonattachment. And I have moved so often- and often so far, with so little money- that I tend to assess everything for ease of transportation. Of course as someone who travels lightly through life I benefit from other people's hoarding- I often borrow stuff I need and it would be inconvenient if everyone I knew was so sparsely possessioned.
I wonder sometimes how much more stuff I would keep if I owned a house and could just stay in one place, hang pictures on the walls and make a permanent studio and garden. Would being invulnerable to the whims of landlords make me the kind of person who wants to reread old letters?
I am so much a hoarder as you
I am so much a hoarder as you will know from helpign me throw stuff out when we moved south. Mostly I don't regert getting rid of things but a long time ago I threw a way a packet of loveletters sent to me in my early 20s. I regret that so much because they were the only letters I'd kept and with email and everything now they now seeme ven more special.
That said I will never hoard like my Grandmother. When she died there was a room in here house FULL of old news papers from they day they'd moved in - 50 years of newspapers. At the bottom of the ceiling-high piles they had compacted into cardboard.
As someone else said I think there is a fine balance to be found. Your level of 'hoarding' seems ok to me :-)
Hey helen I completely relate
Hey helen
I completely relate to this pull of wanting to hold on but needing to let go...especially when letting go of physical things seems to be more rational. I have often asked myself whether mum would really want to be remembered by her funny old grey nightie that I still have in my bottom drawer? Probably not, but it’s still there and I can’t get rid of it. Will I still have it in 20 years time?
I have held on to so many of my mum’s things. It is all just "stuff"' really. But getting rid of it doesn’t feel right—perhaps because humans are such physical creatures and having something we can touch amongst all the elusiveness of death is comforting. When my Mum died I craved something tangible amidst all the unknowingness. It felt good to hold her blue and pink cushion and let it prompt a memory. After time the memory itself shifts and you are left with just the memory of the memory. But does that matter? We can feel close to someone through a memory, or even just a “thing” that brings us closer to the memory
amy
Ive just spent a little of my
Ive just spent a little of my precious Sunday putting clothing in a pink cancer recycling bag. These are one of my most favourite things to get in the mail! I put some coats I never wear in the bag - then I took them out and phoned a couple of friends that I thought would fit them. One couldn't make it till after the collection date but luckily the other one could and she left sporting a new-to-her coat.
If I were ever to be shifting overseas for a few years I just know I could be very ruthless with all my stuff but it's hard to be motivated without pink bags and, literally, runny out of space. The worst collection of junk I have is kitchen junk - my mum gives me appliances and plates and things like your dad gives you books. It seems ungrateful and thoughtless and callous to toss out her tupperware and breadmaker and plates she bought with her night job at AMP in 1975....
As a packrat and horder
As a packrat and horder (through no fault of my own, but rather genetic inevitability), I recently read something which really helped: 'you don't have to keep something just because someone gave it to you'.
Yes, I know many gifts are loaded with significance and sentimentality, but sometimes you really are better off letting them go...
I have been really challenging myself to think about how much actual use I am getting out of things - and much use someone else might (SPOILER: more).
Good luck to you! Take pleasure in passing them on, and knowing that memories are never tarnished or lost. Or left jammed behind the bookcase going mildewy.
First of all, I'd like to
First of all, I'd like to thank you Helen for a very inspiring article. It brought me to those memories as well. Just like you I have a lot of stuff that I can't let go. Though they're old and for some it may be worthless, for me it's not just old things or objects, each of my old stuff has it's own memories that I'll cherish as long as I live. I have a shelf of books hanging in the corner of my house, many thought that I'm just keeping them for display, they even told me it will be helpful if I'll just donate some of them. But the truth is each book has it's own memories which is very sentimental and those memories plays an important part in my life. Just like you I have kept a lot of things in big and small boxes which until now I'm taking care of and keeping just like a gold treasure. You're right, they're not just an object, they are memories... memories that can never be replaced or thrown away. Thanks for the wonderful article Helen. I look forward into reading more of your wonderful thoughts.